Awkwardness

Something happened the other day that got me thinking, and made me realise that feelings of awkwardness are not always produced by increased self-consciousness, as I have always thought (don't know if you've always thought that, but it would seem to be the general consensus). Awkwardness can also be created when we subconsciously become more aware of other people's feelings. I believe we often feel awkward due to the fact that we worry about what other people think, or that we are concerned they may be in a state of discomfort.

In the situation that I mentioned at the beginning of this entry, someone made a tongue-in-cheek comment and then realised that it could potentially be personally offensive to me. I laughed awkwardly and found it hard to make eye contact. The reason for this wasn't that I was offended -- but the potential for it to be offensive was there, and I knew that it would register with her and she would be suddenly stricken with guilt; discomfort. Indeed, she realised what she had said and immediately started to retract everything and apologise profusely. I -- like most people, I would assume -- don't like the idea that I am making people uncomfortable. This yields the hastily repeated "Oh, really, it's fine" response in many awkward situations such as this one. Of course, by now, I was uncomfortable myself -- discomforted by the fact that she had experienced needless discomfort because of me. The entire awkward situation was therefore constructed out of both of us believing to have an accurate perception of what the other was thinking and feeling and, in turn, being concerned for each other.

The same sort of thing happens during an awkward silence. In a given circumstance, when everybody is quiet, it is likely that each individual has more scope for mental contemplation than usual because they are temporarily idle. As such, everyone gains a perceived increased sense of awareness of the other's feelings. All of the parties involved have retreated somewhat into the thought -- awkward in itself -- that the others are feeling uncomfortable. Therefore, it is a sort of collective concern for one another's comfort that usually results in the most awkward-feeling individual calling out something along the lines of "moo" or "why is everybody so bloody quiet?"

I think I'm going to have to consume a certain black fizzy drink today for the sake of not being a wannabe non-conformist. That's going to be slightly hard though, considering I've lost my ATM card! I have ten dollars in my wallet that I have to survive off until I can get a new card. You know, it's odd, but I think it feels quite good having some kind of restraint there to stop me from making the usual rash spending decisions.